In February 2005 I had a routine mammogram. I was six months off the age of 50 so it was my first such test, to be honest I did not want to go, I felt embarrassed, I did not know if it would hurt, I did not know what to expect, I also felt that because I was actually still 49 that I was too young and did not need one. My husband persuaded me to go, well to be honest he made me go, and in doing so he saved my life.
Within a few days I received a letter to attend the hospital breast care department and although I had not felt any lumps I knew straight away, instinctively, that I had cancer. That probably sounds fanciful but I immediately felt that my world was about to fall apart. How right I was.
I had a needle biopsy, and by this time I had detected a slight lump in my left breast, so when the radiographer told me which area they were investigating I was not surprised. I asked him to tell me the truth, he showed me the area on the scan and said he thought it was probably cancer, it was calcified, a clear sign. Ofcourse they could not say for sure until the lab results came back the next day, but he thought that I probably did have cancer.
Apparently I had several signs for a while, though I did not realise this at the time. My nipples were inverted, I had dimpling, a bit like orange peel on my breast around the nipple, a sure sign of cancer that I had not realised. If only I had known maybe I could have prevented the months of chemotherapy, the radiotherapy, the loss of my hair? I don`t know if that would have been the case, and it is pointless to look back and wish I had known, done things differently, it was not now going to change anything. I was diagnosed with breast cancer the day after I had the needle biopsy, I would need an operation to remove it, the lab would test the tumour and treatment would be decided upon from there. As the tumour was small, only 1cm, the doctors thought it would be grade 1, they thought I would need to have it removed and then probably a few weeks of radiotherapy on the area and I would be clear.
I had my operation, called a wide local excision, a few weeks later. Thirteen lymph nodes were removed and tested. The results knocked me for six, the cancer had already spread to three of the lymph nodes, it was grade 3, fast growing and aggressive. Not only would I need radiotherapy for a few weeks, I would also need chemotherapy for several months, I would loose my hair, I would be quite ill due to the treatments, as the cancer was so aggressive it needed an aggressive course of chemotherapy to treat it. Quite frankly I was petrified, the thought of the months to come filled me with horror.
That first chemotherapy was not nice, not nice at all, I was very very sick for five days, I felt as though I was on another planet for almost two weeks, the district nurses had to visit to give me injections to stop me from being so sick. I did not know if I could stand the chemotherapy, the side effects were so horrible. Approaching my second course of chemotherapy my hair began to fall out, the day before I was due to have my second treatment I had the remainder shaved off, not that there was a lot left by that time. I felt unfeminine, I looked in the mirror and saw somebody else looking back, I did not want to let anybody see me without hair, especially my children, not that they were strictly children by that time, both being in their twenties, but I did not want them to see their Mum in that state. I was not keen on the wig I was issued with, preferring most of the time to wear a scarf, especially in the warmer weather it made my head itch and was quite uncomfortable.
I saw my oncologist before the second course of treatment, which I had every 3 weeks via an iv drip, after telling her how very sick I had been she doubled my anti sickness drugs. From then on, even though I did feel sick each time I had chemotherapy I was not as sick as I had been that first time, not by a long way.
I had not known what to expect from chemotherapy. I did not know if I would take oral medication, whether I would have some kind of injections, or if I could be on a drip, would I have to stop in hospital? I think if I had been able to find out what could happen, if I had been given more information about what the treatment involved, side effects, and so on, I may have felt a bit better going into the unknown, but as it was fear of the unknown was worse than the knowledge, at least I could have prepared myself. This is why I have decided to write this blog, so that somebody who has just recently been diagnosed with breast cancer may be able to read this, find out information, ask questions, and then perhaps the fear of the unknown may not be so bad.
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