Being a Grandma.

All through my treatment I kept looking for things in my life to keep me going, ofcourse my family and friends all helped me a lot, encouraging, helping and loving me. When Mom died unexpectedly it was such a terrible blow, she had always been there for me, helping me along, phoning me up to make sure I was okay, generally fussing, being a Mum. Then she was there no longer, and it hurt so badly. I know she found my illness so painful, hard to cope with, and I realise how difficult it all was for her. I blamed myself for a long time for her death, thinking the stress and strain had pushed her into illness, but she was 84 and had suffered angina for a long time and the doctor said her death was due to her heart and old age. She went suddenly, found on the floor of her flat by my beautiful daughter, the trauma of the moment was with her for a long time afterwards as you can imagine. We were away, down in the Cotswolds, just for a short break. I needed to get away for a couple of days, to have a couple of days to relax, not think about what was happening to me, take the pressure off a bit. When Mom died I felt awful for leaving her, we had said goodbye before we left and she wished me a lovely time, I never thought I would never see her again. Heartbreaking.

One thing which kept me going when I was ill was the fact that I wanted to live to be a grandmother myself, I kept telling myself that I had to live to see grandchildren, to help my own children through the minefield of being a parent, the thought of holding a baby grandchild in my arms kept me pushing myself to good health, determined to beat it, this cancer which had somehow found its way into my body.

My beautiful granddaughter is now 15 months old, she is called Poppy Hope, she is the light of my life. The getting of Poppy was not easy, she was an identical twin, and she also had a triplet, non identical, her twin and triplet did not live, Poppy was born 10 weeks early, spent 6 weeks in hospital. She weighed just 3 pounds 4 ounces, so tiny we could not believe it! We willed her to live, and she certainly had enough will of her own, she was determined thats for sure. She started walking a week or so ago, she smiles all the time and is a joy. The treatment I went through was not easy, but I got through, thankyou God.

Bones

I had the phone call yesterday morning to make an appointment for me to have a bone density scan, the registrar I saw when I had my oncology appointment last week said it would be a good idea as I take the drug letrozole which makes my arthritis very painful, and as it can affect the bone density I have to have a scan to find out if any damage has been done. So on the 5th December I shall once again be heading off to the hospital, I have to attend the rheumotology department so hopefully that means the scan is not an MRI which has been slightly worrying me, the thought of being slowly pushed head first into a tunnel fills me with horror, I am claustrophobic, I could not even put on the kind of motor cycle helmet that covers the whole head! I am hypermobile, or double jointed as it used to be known, so my joints have been very overused for the simple reason that to me it is normal to bend in a certain way and I don`t always realise that not everybody can do it! As a consequence I have arthritis in quite a number of my joints now, due to overuse, so I am in constant pain. When the oncologist said to look out for new pains I was a bit worried as I have new pains all the time, I never know where a pain will strike next, and I can be in pain for a few days or so and then it will improve, until the next time!

The annual visit to the oncologist.

I get nervous every year when I have my annual check up with my oncologist, we had to wait an hour but saying that I have been in that waiting room for 3 hours before now, so I suppose we must not grumble! The other consultant who was doing a clinic at the same time was running 2 hours late, so I think it was the best option! The tablets I am taking, hormones, affect my arthritis and have started up lots of new pains, my shoulders, feet and hands are painful now, whereas I didn`t get much problem with them before. As these tablets can cause a problem with bone density I have to have a scan to make sure my bones are okay so I am awaiting the appointment, I just hope it does not turn out to be an MRI scan, I am claustrophobic and the idea of being pushed into the tunnel fills me with dread! Other than that the doctor gave me a clean bill of health and said I would be seen again in a years time, so hopefully the bone density scan will be fine.